A Time for Change

A New Year’s Resolution:
Making each day a time for change
Jenni Schaefer


Do you have a New Year’s resolution? As the last seconds of the year tick away, we often become introspective and think about ways that we can improve our lives. Some of the most common promises we make to ourselves each January 1st involve spending more time with friends and family, taking better care of our bodies, and sticking to a budget.

This year my New Year’s resolution is to stop making New Year’s resolutions. Don’t get me wrong. It is a good thing to want to change our lives for the better on January 1st. But we must not forget that it is also a good thing to want to improve our lives on February 1st, May 12th, December 30th, or any other day. My point is that each moment is a time for positive change, not just the beginning of the year. So maybe I do, in fact, have a New Year’s resolution --- to make each and every day an opportunity for growth.

Unfortunately, many promises we make to ourselves are broken fairly shortly after they are set. When I was struggling with an eating disorder, I used to make promises to myself daily only to break them by nightfall. I had great ideas about how to recover, but I did not make a solid commitment to follow through with any of these concepts. So the concepts remained just that: concepts. Making real change in my life required a new kind of commitment. It required action.

Whether we make a commitment on January 1st or another day, we must learn to describe our goals in specific terms. I used to promise myself, “I will never again engage in eating disordered behaviors.”

After failing over and over again with the “never again” part, I realized that my goal was too broad. I needed to start smaller and to be more specific. So I made a commitment to eat lunch everyday for a month without restricting. I could make this happen. But making it happen required a plan.

When it comes to goals, we need plans. In my recovery and life, I have discovered that setting a goal without formulating a plan ends in the same result as if I had never set the goal in the first place. Without a plan, ideas remain ideas; concepts stay concepts. We need clear steps that can be put into action. For instance, when I became interested in exploring my spirituality, it helped for me to set aside a specific time each day to read spiritual literature, meditate, and pray.

Within our plans for progress, it is often beneficial to include accountability to others. When I made the commitment to eat lunch everyday, I was accountable to Nikki, a woman in my eating disorders support group. I made a promise to call Nikki everyday at noon and tell her my lunch plans. Regarding my work in spirituality, I became accountable to my sponsor in a Twelve-step group. Other people cannot only help with monitoring our progress, but they can also offer encouragement and provide a new perspective. A support team of friends, family members, health care professionals, and others is invaluable.

My support team encouraged me to write down my commitments to my recovery and myself in a journal. I have since realized that writing is a helpful step in accomplishing goals.

When we write down our goals, we must remain flexible. Just because a goal is written in some notebook does not mean that it cannot be changed. Life is all about change and being flexible. We must give our goals room to breathe and to thrive.

And we must acknowledge our successes --- big and small. While celebrating small successes, we keep our eyes set on the big change. At one point in my recovery from my eating disorder, my therapist said that the same small steps I had been making for years were just not going to cut it anymore. I was not making progress, so I needed to concentrate on drastic change.

Any drastic change I have ever accomplished in my life was the result of persistence and hard work. Nothing ever happened just because I woke up one morning and decided to change. No, things happened when I decided to change, took real action, and never gave up. Each morning, each moment is an opportunity for a new life.

I am not saying that we should never make a New Year’s resolution. I am saying that we should not limit ourselves to change at only one time of the year. The best time to change is not always January 1st.

And the best time to change is not tomorrow.

It is today.



[Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and the author of Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too (McGraw-Hill). She is a consultant with the Center for Change in Orem, UT. For more information, visit www.jennischaefer.com or email jenni@jennischaefer.com[.

Having A Blue Christmas?

If your Christmas seems more blue than white this year, here are some tips to help you cope...

* If your family is more like Roseanne's than The Waltons, you're in good company. You're a real family and there very well may be arguments and rivalries among siblings. If Mom has always criticized you, she probably will this Christmas, too. Still, you don't have to let old patterns ruin your holiday. Remember you can't control your family members' actions, but you can control your reaction to them. This year use those challenging moments to practice forgiveness and acceptance. When all else fails, give yourself a time-out with a sympathetic listener and vent your frustrations.
* Share your time or resources with someone less fortunate. Volunteer at a homeless shelter for a day, deliver gifts to a retirement center, donate money to a worthy cause.
* Just say no! If you don't have time to do something, say so. Delegate responsibility for the `must dos' to other people...even kids can help straighten the house, take care of pets, wrap a few gifts.
* Don't judge the value of a gift by its price tag. If you give from the heart, your gift is never too small.
* Remember that things will go wrong. Kids get dirty, make noise, and argue. You may forget to buy the batteries, thaw the turkey, wrap the final gift in the back of the closet. Travel plans can go awry, dogs will jump on your party dress with their muddy paws, cookies may burn. Learn that these are minor setbacks...not major catastrophes! Practice coping with grace. Stop striving for unrealistic perfection.
* Can't be with someone you love because of divorce, death, finances, or other commitments? Find a creative way to make the holiday special. Spend time with a friend in a similar circumstance. Reach out to others who may be alone. Or, if possible, arrange to spend another day together as `Christmas.'

This Christmas try to be accepting of your feelings, your family, your shortcomings, and your desire to lead a better life. Share your love, strive for peace and good will. Reach out to your father in prayer and ask for strength to maintain your path to recovery.

Shopping Spree or Shopping Addiction?

Shopping could be called one of America's favorite pastimes, but what happens when it spirals out of control, and in some cases, becomes an addiction?

Compulsive shopping and spending is defined as inappropriate, excessive, and out of control. Sometimes referred to as "shopoholism," shopping addiction can wreak havoc on your life, your family, and your finances.

So what are some of the signs that shopping has crossed the line and become an addiction? What should a concerned family member or friend look out for when they think shopping has become a problem?

* Spending over budget. Everyone goes over budget at times, but if it's a consistent behavior you or your loved one could be in trouble.
* Compulsive buying. If you go shopping for one pair of shoes and come out with 10, it could signify a problem.
* It's a chronic problem. Addictions are continuous problems. They're more than two or three months of the year, and more than a once-a-year Christmas shopping spree.
* Hiding the problem. Like other addictions, Shopoholics will hide their purchases because they don't want their significant other to know. They may have secret credit card accounts, too. Because this problem affects mostly women, as alcoholism affects mostly men, husbands will all of sudden be told their wife is $20,000-$30,000 in debt and they are responsible, and many times, this comes out in divorce
* A vicious circle. Some people will take their purchases back because they feel guilty. Debt may not be an issue because they're consistently returning things, but a problem still exists.
* Impaired relationships. Problems in relationships can occur because the person spends time away from home to shop, covers up debt with deception, and emotionally and physically starts to isolate themselves.

If you, or a loved one, has lost control of spending habits now is the time to turn to Celebrate Recovery for help. Our goal is to no longer rely on our dysfunctional, compulsive, and addictive behaviors as a temporary "fix" for our pain. We apply the 12 steps of recovery based on the scriptures, to experience healing and stronger relationships with others and God.

Meetings are Wednesdays at 7:00 P.M. You're invited to come to a safe place of fellowship and caring where you will have the opportunity to find joy, serenity, and the peace of God restored in your life.

Come and celebrate God's healing power!

Managing the Holidays

Christmas, end of year reflections, decorations, good food, family time, holiday music, gifts...'tis the season to celebrate! For many of us it can also be a time of year when memories of loved ones we've lost come pouring into our minds, feelings of sadness can overwhelm us, and stressful situations with our friends and families are magnified. These feelings can trigger us into comprising our recovery.

Depression
It's not unusual for depression to accompany the anxiety of the holiday season. Because depression can make recovery difficult, extra care should be taken to deal with it as soon as the symptoms are detected. Call your accountability partner or ministry leader, attend a Celebrate Recovery, get some exercise! Depression is real and it hurts,with God's help you can feel better.

Stress
Holidays are stressful for many of us. Stress is your body's reaction to internal and external change. For most people, the holidays involve a great deal of change. Changes may be little: perhaps you have a lot of guests coming and you'll have to rearrange various rooms in your house. And changes may be huge: maybe this is your first holiday without one of your parents, your spouse, or children.

Don't underestimate the impact of those "little" changes. Stress can build up quickly, making you vulnerable to your specific triggers.

Stress might cause a relapse or, at least, halt your recovery for a while. As with depression, it's important to be aware of what's going on inside. You know right now that the next couple of weeks will be stressful. You can't control everything that will happen, but you can learn how to cope with your reactions.

We can't prevent most changes in life, and we probably wouldn't want to! The holidays can be a wonderful time of celebrating and being in the company of good people. Since you cannot prevent change and, therefore, cannot prevent stress, you'll want to learn the many ways you can cope with stress.

Grief
You may find yourself grieving during the holidays for any number of reasons. We grieve if a loved one dies, but other major losses may cause grief as well. Family relationships may produce intense emotions. Maybe one of your children will be away during the holidays this year. Maybe there was a family conflict during the year, and you won't be seeing certain relatives. Many situations like these can produce feelings of emptiness and loss.

For whatever reason you may be grieving, it's important to learn about grief and how you can cope with the situation. Don't underestimate the impact grief may have on you during a particular day. Reach out to family members and friends who may have experienced the same loss.

Loneliness
Holidays may produce intense feelings of loneliness, particularly because so many of us have ideals of what the "perfect" holiday should be. It's possible to feel lonely even with a group of people, particularly if that one special person is missing from the group.

Loneliness can hit hard and quickly. Don't think of yourself as immune from such feelings. Additionally, loneliness is an emotion that feeds depression. Think about where you will be this holiday season and how it will make you feel. Even if you will be alone during part of the holidays, you can plan ways to make yourself comfortable. One idea is to have several phone numbers of “buddies” available to call. Tell your support friends and your accountability partner that you might be calling during a specific time.

If you're looking for a safe place to share your struggles, strengths, hurts, and hopes with others, Celebrate Recovery may be for you. In a Christ-centered recovery
process, we work to overcome our negative and addictive behavior through community, scripture, and worship. For more information please contact John at 314-974-0873.

Celebrate Recovery meets Wednesday nights at 7:00pm at the McKnight Road Church of Christ in St. Louis, Missouri. Everyone is welcome! Please join us.

You don’t have to overspend to celebrate the holidays!

Even for people who aren’t compulsive spenders, the holidays are often an excuse to ”blow the budget,” take on more debt, and go overboard on gifts for our friends or family. If overspending during the holidays is one of your patterns, now’s the time to develop an action plan! Remember: Being in recovery means becoming more responsible for our actions.

Before heading out to the mall this year, make a list of the ways you’re powerless over spending and shopping. Reflect on the ways your life has become unmanageable due to your overspending. Pray for strength to combat your weaknesses. Share your concerns with your accountability partner. Come to our weekly Celebrate Recovery meetings. Create a spending plan and commit to not exceeding your budget. Substitute a gratitude list for your usual shopping list. Finally, during your daily time with God, meditate on the true meaning of the holiday season.